Misconceptions...

We went to church together as a family of six today for the first time. It was SOOO good to be all together in worship. I had so much emotion, yet at the same time was only able to really express a little of it. It was awesome to have so many people see Mia for the first time, so many who had been praying for her and praying for us and praying for her homecoming. It was like coming home in a whole other sense. When we started singing, one of the songs we sang happened to be all about Jesus, and him being victorious, him being stronger, him being the overcomer, just all about him. I sang these words with a new sense of humility that I have not known before. I have had several moments everyday since we got back that have been really challenging for this mom of now four kids. And by challenging, I mean face down, carpet up the nose, crying out to God kind of challenging. As a matter of fact, I feel like the difficulty has not really stopped since the week we got the call to go and get Mia. Granted the face of what has made it difficult continues to change based on the day or circumstance, but I cannot help but feel that this may be more of a season we are entering rather than just an experience. I am sure as we begin to adjust and I figure out how all this is going to work better logistically it may get somewhat better, but I am starting to see that God has some major refining He is doing in me. What I want to really make clear, in light of this, is what hit me this morning in worship. We have had so many people come to us and say how they admire what we have done. We have been told how great we are and how amazing what we are doing is and how we are just amazing people. I need to set the record straight. I have never felt so incapable, so small, so UNable, so inadequate, so weak in all of my life. Everyday is a challenge. Everyday I wake up and realize I can't do this on my own. I am not saying this to sound spiritual or because it is something I have just embraced as a truth in my head. It is my reality. I am so impatient. I am so not on top of things. I have never had so many half done things in all my life. It drives me crazy but I am learning to let go of what is non-essential. The reason I want to share this is because I don't want anyone out there to look at us, look at our adoption and say to themselves that we did it because we had something, some special ability to handle it, or we were wired differently, or what ever that made it easier or more accessible for us. It just simply isn't true. The truth is I am learning what it means to really need God. Like David said in the Psalms, to thirst after HIm like a deer panting for water. A panting deer I imagine has probably been running. Pursuing something or being pursued and when if finally stops for a moment, either out of sheer exhaustion or possibly because it has narrowly escaped what was hunting it, it is desperate for a drink. Desperate for something to bring refreshment and life into its inner being. It needs that water. This is how I feel and I have never been more grateful or at peace in my whole life. I know this is what He desires...that I be dependent on him. I told a friend today at church, that there have been many times I have gone to spend time with God and it has been a choice. I did it because I wanted to or I should, but now I am desperate for the life He offers. I am excited about my life and about what GOd is doing and what I will continue to become as He continues to work in me. I love who He is and how He parents us, how he loves us and I am excited that He is going to make me more like Him. I my weakness his strength is made perfect. NOT just words. Truth. None of us are capable of accomplishing what things God has planned for us to do on our own. True dependence on Him is hard at times. There is no room for pride, and my pride is used to having its own room. I love where I am, even though I hate it at times. HE is sooooo good. So faithful. So able. He is enough for me, and his grace is sufficient for me. I am weak, He is SO strong and as one of our pastors was talking this morning, He has given us His spirit. The same one who raised Jesus from the dead, and my hope is in the fact that He has all power over sin in my life. I am dependent on that power. And it isn't just available to the "special" people. It is available to all who call on His name. All who claim The Son, and give their lives over to Him. None of us are able to walk out what He has called us to do on our own, and the best part of that is that we are supposed to be able to do it on our own. THAT IS PART OF THE PLAN! Hopefully, someone out there may be encouraged by this. Encouraged to not let your feelings of inadequacy when considering what ever God may be calling you to do be translated as a reason in an of itself to NOT step out in faith. Yet, it is an opportunity for God to be God and you to be a child of God in a whole new way you have had yet to experience. We are not amazing people. We are redeemed people who are being sanctified through obedience, trials, and fire :-) and it is a blessing I am so glad I am not missing.

SO much to be thankful for!!!

Life has really been a whirlwind the last couple of weeks! SO many changes...SO much travelling...SO many things to process! I am still in the midst of trying to sort through all of our experiences, find our "new normal" with four kids, and figure out what to do with the coming holidays :-) It was great to all be together for thanksgiving this year...especially since there was a time when we weren't sure if that would happen! Out of everything I have to be thankful for, and believe me, it is quite a list, I must say, having Mia here with us and Josie Love home, impacted me more than anything. When we were in India, after being there for a couple of days, all I could think about was how I had to get Mia home...I had to get her out of India. I saw for her no hope there. Even now, as precious as the pictures we were sent over the months before we went to get here were, I can hardly stand to look at them now. Always in the crib. Always laying down. Never smiling. I LOVE to see her smile! I LOVE to watch her crawl and explore, all the time telling her, "go ahead, honey, this is YOUR home now!" She really didn't know what to do with her freedom at first. (Although, she is learning fast!) In addition to that, I also was able to spend some time around sweet Josie Love! Oh my goodness! Talk about stealing your heart away! I cannot even begin to describe how her spirit just draws you in! She has the best, and most mischevious I might add, smile I have ever seen! Maybe it's because it is below those precious half-closed eyes, I don't know, but she will have you wrapped around her little finger in a heart beat! I am SOOO thankful she is home, finally, where God has planned for her to be from the foundations of the world, as well. I could hardly stand hearing the stories about how she used to hold her head down, not smile, not communicate, whimper, and not be able to walk. This was just a few WEEKS ago, people. I don't even see a hint of that child. Praise you GOD!

Brian and I were talking on the way to thanksgiving at my parents about how much harder life is than what we expected growing up. I am coming to the peaceful realization that it isn't going to get any easier, but that God is going to show himself bigger. Never has that rung truer than walking through this adoption process, which by the way has been 4 and 1/2 years not 3 and 1/2 as I had been thinking. BUT, as I was there with my family, watching them love and embrace our Mia-Asha and sweet Josie Love, I can say with out hesitation, it was ALL worth it. Every tear, every delay, every fearful, fretful, uncertain step, it was ALL worth it. I am SO very thankful for not only my daughter, but all that I had to go through in order to get her here.

Aaahhh....HOME.

Words cannot describe how deeply relieved and excited to be back in the states, and especially back in my own home with ALL four of my children here with me. I actually got out today and went to Target with Ella-Kate. I am finally just beginning to process some of what I saw on our journey to the other side of the world and today I wept for India. I wept for the 15 million people in Kolkata and the chaos, both physically and spiritually they live in. I wept at the thought that there is nothing short of Jesus' redemptive return that can fix all that is broken there. I weep for gratitude knowing that my daugher is here, able to grow up in this country, instead of there where "she has no hope" as one woman in India commented to me. Then I contrasted that to the faces of those I looked upon in the store and I wondered why is it that instead of a deep sense of gratitude for all that we have here, does our society here in the US instead seem to breed a deep sense of entitlement? We take SOOO much for granted--- the FDA even with all its faults, is SUCH a huge blessing. In India I stayed in four star hotels and still couldn't drink the water. I always had to be contientious of ice, could not eat any raw fruits or vegetables or eat dairy products while I was there. The sanitation department....oh my goodness. I was so thankful for that in our nation when I would pass huge piles of trash a block long just laying on the sidewalk beside the streets. I saw mommas bathing their children in puddles on the sides of the major streets that run through the city. Men drinking brown water out of plastic water bottles that looked like they were ten years old. My daughter will not remember her short time in India, but I will never forget it, God help me never forget it. I am OVERWHELMED with things to thank GOd for this year...

I want to write more and post more pictures but I am falling asleep literally in front of the computer screen. Maybe tomorrow :-)

Almost there!

We are in Delhi, now, which has really been so different than Kolkata. I have settled down and gotten used to the pace here, and have actually enjoyed being here in Delhi. I am not sure how to describe it, as it is quite different depending on which part you are in, but we have seen some beautiful ruins from the car rides, monkeys as Brian mentioned on his facebook, and today, I saw and elephant walking down the middle of the street, where the cars are, with someone riding on it's back! The hotels have been great here (thank the Lord for that) and we have gotten to connect with TWO other Dillon families which has been great, especially in being able to empathize and laugh some about the absolute CRAZINESS of our journeys!

Our big news today is that we got the Visa done and in our hands! I am SOOOOOOO relieved! I finally feel like the stress has almost all but gone away. It of course was not with out a few frustrating moments in that you NEVER know what is going on around here! I will blog more specifics a little later as I think I am on the ONE computer in our whole hotel here in Delhi.

We are loving the time we have with Mia-Asha (yes we finally chose a middle name, and in good time as we had to give that info on the visa app today!) Asha is the Indian word for hope. She is so very sweet and VERY busy! Brian is upstairs with her right now while she naps. I have jumped right into mommyhood , however as she has decided to cut her first tooth--red swollen gums, fever, and the whole bit. So she hasn't felt the best. You could pray for her for that and for the 20 plane ride we have ahead of us tonight. Her medical appointment went well yesterday, had a WONDERFUL Dr. see her, but she had to have 3 immunizations, already having struggled with fever and not feeling well, so I am sure that doesn't help.

I really can't wait to share more of our trip with you all! I have been able to process some and have been enjoying it here so much more that the first part of the week. The Indian people are really beautiful in so many ways and there are so many amazing parts of their culture and history.

One quick funny story, yesterday while driving to her medical appointment, we passed a small shopping area that had a banner out in front of the store. It was huge and black and in very large lettering, i THOUGHT i saw an advertisement that read CAR BOMBS....it was CAR BOOM. Brian and i had a good laugh about that one!

Details, details...

Well, I have a lot of catching up to do so, this is going to be a long one! Like I have said, it has been a rough last few days (up until yesterday :-)) After our middle of the night "scene out of a bad movie" experience, we made it back to the airport in Delhi where we got the sneaking feeling over the next few hours that everyone else there may not have been as excited about our being there as we were. That is a strange feeling, not just be the minority but in a foreign country where you were told the terror risk towards Americans was high :-)In addition to that, I could not get my phone card to work, couldn't figure out how to make local or long distance calls just to hear family's voice, and when we finally did get to Kolkata, we couldn't find our driver for almost two hours, and could call because we didn't know how and were absolutely and totally exhausted. It was at this point, I think God had seen enough and had mercy on us because out of nowhere, this Indian man dressed completely in white showed up at the phone booth we were trying to make a call from and took over. He helped us figure out the phone was broken and then he proceeded to call our hotel for us, locate our driver (who had been told we were at the international airport instead of the domestic, and then proceeded to be our "hedge of protection" out of those locals who were trying to get us to ride in their cab or allow them to carry our bags. When our driver showed up, he smiled and said, "oh, yes, Mr. Singh (our driver)...he is a friend of mine, very good man", smiled helped us in our car, refused to be tipped and waved goodbye. I was never so inclined to want to kiss a strange foreign man in all of my life (I held back, although I think I said thank you a million times.) When we finally got to our hotel, we took a hot shower, and fell asleep for about 6 hours. We had planned to start our sightseeing that afternoon, but were just too exhausted. The hotel in Kolkata, was wonderful. The staff were so helpful and amazing and the food has just been incredible. Monday, we did go sight seeing, including the New Market where you bargain. It was also exhausting. We were able to find some great gifts and memoriblia (including two of the cutest saaris for the girls I have EVER seen), got ripped off a couple of times (which was okay because I know no one there is getting rich off anything), and saw all of what you would imagine one would see in Kolkata in regards to the beggars and the poor. I was an experience. Our diver, Mr. Singh was so great. He would drive and give us the history of the city, and you could tell he was so very proud of his country. We learned a great deal and developed a great connection to him. Yesterday, he told us that I reminded him of his daughter of the same age who was getting married (an arranged one of course) and said if we were in town next year in Cashmere, he would be happy to have us as guests for the wedding. I was so honored and humbled to receive that invitation. We then tried to head to the home of MOther Theresa where after only being there a few minutes, they experienced a power outage and we had to leave. I was at least glad we had the few minutes we had. Being there in the city and then thinking about her ministry there really put things in a different light. She has had an incredible impact on the city.

That night, I did not sleep well. I was really anxious about a lot. I think I had just not had anytime to process, was severly sleep deprived, and probably some what in culture shock. I was feeling somewhat ashamed at how scared, faithless, and anxious I was. I got up early and just began to pour out my heart to God, telling him these things and that here I was exactly where I had been telling everyone I wanted to be for so long and yet, I was almost paralyzed emotionally. "How inspiring is that?" or something like that was my comment. Then oh so graciously after listening to all I had to say, the Lord reminded me that he did not create me to inspire, he created me to glorify Him and that I needed to admit and give him all my insecurities and that He would show me and whoever else watching that He is able and more than enough to meet all our needs and has grace to always meet us where we are at. I agreed with him that this was better. When all is said and done, I would much rather someone look back over my life and see the faithfulness of God than I would have them see what appears to be my own bravery or faith. I boast in nothing but Christ alone. After that word, I felt much better as you can imagine.

Tuesday, as you know, was gotcha day! There had been some concern the day prior as to the safety of foreigners actually showing up at the orphanage (which is customary)and lead to the couple the day before not being able to go, but Ms. Roy having to bring their child to the hotel. While the main point is to receive the child, I was desperately hoping things would be resolved so that we could go and get photos, video, and ask all our questions as that would all be so very important for Mia to know as she gets older and seeks to know more about these details of her life. As is all turned out, we were able to go, thankfully, but did have to be rushed in and out very discreetly and quickly. While there, we were able to do all that we wanted, having some very sweet conversation with Ms. Roy and the anyahs (caretakers) about Mia her birth mom and her time with them. It was a precious, priceless experience! These babies are not in a very formal place but they are very very loved and cared for. God showed me later that day, that the babies that come to them are little seeds that they are in charge of planting in good soil, that is thier love, and they tend to them, with out seeing the fruit of thier investment. For as soon as they start to bud, we, the parents sweep them away where we continue to pour into them but get the priviledge of watching them grow. What they do is so very selfless and important in the lives of these children.

Over the last 24 hours or so, we have just enjoyed our time with Mia! It did not take me long, thanks be to GOD, to pick up on her cues for being tired and hungry, and learning how to help her get to sleep. She has taken to both of us and is saying Da-da, although we can't say it is discriminately yet! She has wanted me a lot today and is asleep on her belly on my lap right now as I type this :-) She has the cutest little grin and voice! She is really quiet though, a different dynamic than I am used to and one I don't expect will last long once around her siblings for a while :-) She can crawl and sit up well, and is trying to "walk" by getting herself on her feet and then keeping her hands on the ground, makes her way around the floor. I was told my the anyahs that she "likes the sweets". She and her sister will just be two peas in a pod in that regard :-)

From here, we are going to get her visa pics made in a little while and then we will get on a plane tonight back to Delhi. Tomorrow we have an appointment for a medical examination in a Dehli Dr.'s office, and then take all that paperwork to our appointment at 9 am on Friday to the embassy. PLEASE PRAY WE GET HER PASSPORT DONE ON FRIDAY!!! To not, would mean two more nights (we don't have reserved or the money for ) in the city. That would mean a lot to us! We CANNOT WAIT to be home and introduce you to our sweet girl! I know she will steal your hearts as she has stolen ours!

WOO HOOO! Got her!

Well, we FINALLY got her! I can't believe it! I feel SOOO less stressed right now, even though we still have a lot of hoops to jump through between now and when our plane lands on Saturday. We have also connected with a couple in our hotel that picked up their little boy yesterday, and that has been a ray of sunshine! Just to have SOMEONE to communicate freely with has been awesome! I know I keep saying this but I will write more tomorrow. We are in our friends room and are using their computer and they are going to loan it to us for the day tomorrow...SO tomorrow is story day :-) For now, enjoy the new pics I've loaded and can't wait to tell you about our adventures!!!!!

I can say without hesitancy this has been the hardest two weeks, with the hardest being the last several days, of my entire life. Everything here is a battle. From trying to work out the simplest tasks to what is happening in the spirtiual, I am completely and totally exhausted. My praise rests however in His faithfulness and goodness and His words to us that He has given, as He always does, in perfect timing. Today is gotcha day :-) We are supposed to pick our sweet Mia up today at noon. I have heard, however there are some difficulties at the orphanage and so I am preparing myself to be patient and flexible. More details on this later. Please continue to pray as we are so very much in the middle of struggle all the time. I will post more soon...love to all.