Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I didn't title this one because I didn't know what to call it...ramblings of a crazy woman might fit. Anyway, I was told today that we probably won't hear anything until next week. I know it is going to be okay. But I can't help but feel a little angry. My husband asked me why, a good question, and what I said was that I was mad because I didn't feel it was fair to ask my heart to shift gears. By that I meant that it is hard to go from "waiting for an undetermined amount of time" mode to over the last couple of weeks, slowly allowing myself to get excited and have my expectations start to take form, something that I have not allowed myself to feel until there was a measure of certainty involved, back to waiting for an undetermined amount of time mode again. My head tells me all the "right" answers. God has always, and will always be in control of this process, He is Sovereign over it all. This adoption is not about me or our family, or Mia, but at the center of it is God's will, is God's glory, and that involves things I like and it involves things I don't like. I am simply in the midst of one of the things I don't like and I just don't like it. I know that He is okay with that. I know He is used to that. I know that He is working in me a greater good, a conformity to the likeness of His son. And from my reaction, it's obviously a needed work ;-) So once again, I am letting go. I am letting go of my expectations for the way things turn out. I am trying again to cling to the place where I need to be all the time, where all my expectation is set in Him and the knowledge that all things work together for my good, and most of all for His glory. Oh, and by the way, I do welcome your comments and encouragements :-) Feedback is helpful for sometimes it gets lonely walking this road for so long.

4 comments:

edie dannheim said...

I know that it is sometimes hard to understand God's timing, and I know that it is only human to be disappointed. Here's a big Texas hug, and know that we are praying for you and your family,
Terry and Edie in Texas.

Al said...

I will pray for you Mandy...

One thing I would say is that God hates stoicism (like all isms). Paul tells Timothy both to be content and to send him a cloak. Don't listen to the lie that says it is a sin to ask God to change your situation. He inclines His ear to you and longs to hear your petition.

Contentment is trusting God that His grace is sufficient in want or in plenty.

May you be content without Mia and as content when you hold her. As you said, for His Glory.

We love and miss you.

alan

Whitney said...

Mandy,
I was trying to think of the right words to say and I'm really struggling. I just wanted to tell you though that in the times of frustration and unanswered questions. Just think about the joy that you will have in the moment when you finally do get that call, and how wonderful it will feel to actually be on the plane as you're on your way to pick up your little girl. The anticipation leading up to seeing Mia for the first time, and she holds up her little arms to you because she knows you've come to take her home. This is what you've been waiting so long for and you're so close. I know you've been in this moment for a long time now and you're ready for God to move you to the next moment, but just like you told me, don't forget this time either. I'm sure you've thought of all of things over and over, just keep dreaming about all of those moments.
By the way, thanks for the book recommendation. I'm actually reading it right now!

Gran said...

I'm a little like you right now, Mandy. Though I know God's timing is perfect, I am ready for Him to move in this situation. Then, I remember my favorite verse (maybe because it is one that I need over and over): Isaiah 40:31: "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." "Teach me Lord, teach me Lord, to wait! And Pray!". Dad and I are anxious to see her and have her be a part of our family by Thanksviging, but if she isn't, she will be with us in God's timing." I'm also anxious to see my other 3 grandchildren there. I miss all of you all the time, but especially on Sundays, I wish we could "all" sit down to a big meal together and just share our hearts and love. Maybe one of these days, it will be more often.
I love you.
Mom